Sin and Love...Why They are not Mutually Exclusive Sermons

Musing on 1 John

Before this morning, I never realized that 1 John is as much about sin as it is about love--perhaps even more. I am awestruck by this connection as I consider the difference between what I might call the two extreme views of the gospel of Jesus Christ. All love and forgiveness, no sin and repentance.  Or all sin and repentance, no love and forgiveness. Never have I seen a clearer balance than I found in 1 John.

The reason John warns his brothers and sisters to stay away from sin is not because he wants to hang punishments over their heads...it is because he loves them. The reason John's heart overflows with love for them is not because they are perfect...it is because they are fundamentally flawed by sin and forgiven through the blood of His Savior. Is this not a reflection of Christ...a representation of how He sees us and the nature of His unconditional love for us?

How Would It Feel?

What does it mean to touch the untouchable? To love the unlovable? To reach the unreachable? I think it means more than we think it does. I don't think it just means to meet the needs of the poor and underfed, to hug those in need of love and affection, or to reach for the underdog in society. No. I think it means to go exactly where no one else wants to go.

What does the Lord mean when He tells us to offer forgiveness 7x70 times? What is the Lord trying to say when He loves Israel with an undying love after her constant sins of idol worship, unbelief, and blatant immorality? It's the same thing...go exactly where no one else wants to go.

"Hosea, go love a woman who won't love you back. Love a woman who will love men who hurt her more than she will love the man who would protect her and provide for her. Moses, go love a people who will turn their back on you whenever it is convenient for them. Abraham, go kill your only son on an altar. Kill the promise I've given you without asking me why. Joseph, go speak to your brothers who sold you and wanted you dead. Feed them and provide homes for them, though they wanted to leave you with not even your life. And Jonah, go tell the Ninevites to leave their sin so I can forgive them and bless them. Go even though they hate you"....I could keep going. Over and over, God asks his people, his messengers and disciples, to go where it makes no sense. To step into a role that often hurts. Because God goes where no one else will go.

He is radical. He is not defined by any adjective or confined by any exclusive definition. He does what He wants, He does it for our best, and He does it in ways that He doesn't have to explain.

I've been wondering lately what it really means to love like He loves. To give like He gives and see like He sees. So little of my life experience has forced me to love what hurts me...to even reach out and hold a hand that stabbed me in the back or slapped me in the face. But I want to know...How would it feel to love a murderer? A murderer who takes lives brutally, devastates families and towns and nations with no apparent reason? How would it feel to love a mistress? One who steals the love of a man from his wife, destroys a family for her own selfishness? How would it feel to love a thief? A thief who stole everything that another worked for, leaving his home of memories an empty shell and his family's future a seemingly hopeless blank? How would it feel to love a fallen leader? One who seemed to offer truth and comfort and safety but is found to be full of lies and deception?...

The truth is..I don't know. With this sinful and broken heart of mine, I don't think I can or ever will know. I find it difficult some days just to love and honor even those priceless hearts who mean the very most to me. But God knows...He knows exactly how it feels. Because He feels it every moment...every second, His heart throbs with compassion for sinners who I, in my human pride, would reject with disgust. Every moment His whole being surges with passionate love for the thief, the terrorist...even the traitor! The ones no one wants. The ones we are warned about. The ones even the Church would have us avoid or keep at a distance..

So I ask you, what would it cost us to love like He loves? Even just for one day...to go into the neighborhoods no one else wants to set foot in, to have lunch with the person everyone else gossips about, to shamelessly love those who can't return love as we would have them return it. Would it cost us our health, our lives, our pride, our position?

But, the bigger question is this: what will it cost us not to love like He loves? Every day we're alive, doesn't the bitterness at our fellow human failures eat at our souls? Isn't a great source of our own pain the inability to forgive one who has caused it? Even I feel that..I in my brief and largely sheltered life experience. I feel that when I wake up from dreams that ask me to enter a part of my past that hurts too much--to face that small, persistent, nagging fear of insufficiency and desertion that I want to deny is there. I feel that when I swear inwardly at the woman who cuts me in line, at the child who yells obscenities to his buddies on the schoolyard at my workplace...I feel that when I look around at my fellow brothers and sisters and ask why they seem to have it all together and I am falling apart. Pain is not the problem...pride is. So, how would it feel to let it go and become the untouchable? To take off the mask and break down the walls and fall down in the dust where we came from? God only uses us when we know who we are...sinners wrecked and ruined by evil who live only by the breath He gives us each moment. Sinners who can only offer love in even the smallest of measures because He gave ALL of His love to us in the person of Jesus Christ. In the dust, we are human..and we live only by the breath of God which gives us life.

So, how would it feel? How would it feel to just go where He leads us without asking questions or demanding answers? How would it feel to love through the pain, the anger, the shame, and the stigma...to love how He loves?

It's Friday...but Sunday's Coming

What a week it has been! It is lovely to be able to finally sit and just think of God being present with me in this stillness. Behind me the church bells are singing, in front of me the soothing fountain seems to breathe water's refreshment into the wind. A gorgeous evening...there is laughter, the trees are so vibrant with stubborn late summer life, and a gorgeous setting sun.

The past several days have been full of course scheduling changes, advising appointments, interviews, piano practice, and sickness. I started the week tired and somehow am finishing it just a bit more tired. But I am so thankful for the beauty that arrests my vision and reminds me that I cannot see God when I take no time to look for Him. Yes, He IS in my chaos..but only when I surrender that chaos to His capable care.

So here it is..Friday. The end of another week. But I cannot help but smile at the phrase "It's Friday, but Sunday's coming". This week may seem beyond redemption. Some moments I may have even felt the ache of defeat. But I hope in my Sundays...little glimpses of heaven on earth. Amazing chances to worship in the presence of my Savior! Opportunities to let the world's deadness fade away and rejoice in the eternal life I've been given through Jesus :)

The Gift of Laughter

Musings on Fun in Faith

Throughout my life, I've been called many things. A few of my nicknames are Granny, Butterfingers, Teacher's Pet, and recently I got the name Droopy-eyes. In fact, I very much enjoy my silly nicknames because they teach me to poke fun at myself. :)

I am realizing gradually that life becomes joyless when we take ourselves, our lives, and others too seriously. Over the past few days, I've been fighting sickness..a pretty gross affair consisting of a nose like a fountain, red eyes, froggy voice, and a cough reminiscent of a chain-smoker's. Let me tell you...my room just reeks of Vicks vapo-rub. And of course, like a darling, my roommate takes one look at me and says, "Whoa, you're not looking so good..in fact you kinda look like death." Hah! I start to laugh and then hack like death in confirmation of her statement.

But, my point in all of this is that I had a marvelous weekend despite all of that. I spent Friday night with hundreds of college students worshipping the Lord Jesus and learning from the Bible. Yesterday, my roommate surprised me with hot cider (my favorite!) and I enjoyed reading my favorite novel, Jane Eyre, in preparation for a class next week. I also spent some of my evening joking about turkeys with my boyfriend who is planning to celebrate his Thanksgiving with me. :)

What a blessed woman I am! How much God has given me! I am given an opportunity to not only learn of God and serve Him but to enjoy Him! To laugh at my humanity and enjoy the blessings He has provided for me within His purposes..

May we never forget that joy comes in unlikely places...and it is all rooted in the Savior who has given us life and joy eternal. :)

The Beginning and the End

Musing on Starts and Endings

We have all heard the phrase "Every ending is just the beginning of something else." It's amazing to see how true that statement is. And yet, today as my sophomore year of college begins, I can't help but notice that the reverse is true as well. Every beginning is also the ending of something else.

This is not a bad thing. Even though we as humans struggle to accept change, we would never grow without it. Without the start of learning, there would be no end of ignorance. Without the start of a relationship, there would be no end of singlehood. Without the start of a family, there would be no end to loneliness. Without the start of a school year, there would be no end to summer.

I can't help but think of the cross-- the cross of Jesus. The cross was the start of grace and the fulfillment and ending of the law. The cross was the start of life eternal and the end of death. And here is where I am most convicted: the cross was the beginning of me as a new creation and the end of the rule of the old flesh. When we are baptized into the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we are displaying our death to sin and our new life in Christ.

But, how easy it is to forget that we have been changed! When my life as a Christ-follower began, nothing seemed more natural than leaving my self behind and striving to please Him. I was dead and then alive again..how incredible! Yet as time goes by, something of that bent toward God becomes bent against Him despite the change in our hearts. If we are not careful to stay close to the Source of our life, we wander closer and closer to the sin and spiritual deadness we were saved from.

Today, as I head off to my first class of the semester, I hope I do not forget that every start is an ending and every ending is a start. As I lose myself, I gain the Lord Jesus. As I wave goodbye to selfish sin and pride, I am made ready to greet the Savior who welcomes me. As I look back to the completion of my first year of college, I step into my second--with a clean slate in front of me and a powerful Redeemer walking right next to me. I tend to hate endings...but I just need to remember that in every ending, there is a better beginning just around the bend.

Blessings to all of you today! ~

His Touch

Musings on the Touch of the Lord Jesus

"Jesus Christ was made sin for us, although in Himself He knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him. O that poor sinners would go to Jesus, believing in the power of His blessed substitutionary work, and they would soon learn the power of His gracious touch. That hand which multiplied the loaves, which saved sinking Peter, which upholds afflicted saints, which crowns believers, that same hand will touch every seeking sinner, and in a moment make him clean. The love of Jesus is the source of salvation. He loves, He looks, He touches us, WE LIVE."~ C.H. Spurgeon from a meditation on Mark 1:41

Here is a thought that I can't comprehend even slightly. I have insufficient understanding to rationalize the condescension of the Son of God to ever even look at me, nevermind to look at me and love me. On the darkest of days when I find myself overwhelmed by the weight of my own depravity, I find myself wanting to run and hide from the Savior who looks at me. When I feel most undeserving and broken, I begin to close my heart to His love because it is painful to let His fire consume all the dross that collects there.

My humanity begs me to run away from God's eyes and His heart, but the Spirit within me longs to have Him as close to me as possible. Sometimes I even catch myself asking, "Lord, if I could just touch You and know You're there...if you could just show me Your glory and Your holiness so I would understand and never forget..."

Think of all the times Jesus touches. He touches the leper and makes him clean. He touches the blind man and makes him see. He touches the deaf man and makes him hear. He touches the crippled man and makes him walk. He touches the dead young woman and makes her live. He touches the bleeding woman and makes her blood stop flowing. Time and time again, He touches the guilty and makes him innocent. He touches the sinner and makes him...a saint.

To shrink from the cleansing touch of the Lord Jesus is to shrink from the hand of healing and grace. To shy away from His hand is to shy away from that nail-pierced hand which bled to purge me of my sin and cover me in righteousness. True, the truth of the words of Jesus can be difficult to swallow because I have selfish pride. His brutally honest assessment of my hard heart can sting like acid and draw out painful tears.
But, it is worth it to be touched by the One who holds the universe in the hollow of His hand. Every minute is worth it to be held by my Redeemer who has promised to never let me go.

"And He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See My hands and My feet, that it is I Myself; touch Me and see.." (Luke 24:38-39) And just look at this invitation: Jesus invites His disciples to probe His humanity...to see His hands and feet and to touch Him. He understood what a touch meant...after all, He created us.

A bizarre thought came to me as I mused on the touch of Jesus. There is an old song from the movie, "That Thing You Do", that my sisters and I used to sing and dance to when we were younger. The chorus I have never forgotten and it goes like this:
"I want you to know when you hold my hand you hold my heart
I want you to see when our eyes meet my loving just starts
I want you to say you're thinking of me those nights when we're apart
I want you to know when you hold my hand you hold my heart."

We are interconnected beings. In effect, our hearts lead our bodies. When I hold someone's hand, I am being tied to their heart. When I come to hold someone's heart close, I want to hold them close. When "the Word became flesh and dwelt among us," (John 1:14) He touched people. He wanted their hearts to be His, so He touched them with healing and tenderness and their hearts followed. What an amazing thought!

So, what has impressed me most is this: Sometimes, in order to take full hold of our hearts, the Lord will touch our bodies. Perhaps with sickness, or pain, or desire, or insomnia, or abnormality, or injury, or even inability. Sometimes to make us trust the power of His hand, He will tie our hands behind our backs, figuratively, so there is no other option left.

Cancer...can we cure it? No, but He can...and if He doesn't, His hand has the power to use everything for His glory. The same with all the other things in our physical lives. What about infertility? Addiction?  Paralysis? Please understand that I would never gloss over the pain and difficulty of these and other circumstances...I cannot imagine what it would be like to experience them, and my prayers ascend daily for those who struggle with physical difficulties I know very little about.

But, I know this one thing: Jesus still touches us. He is still after our hearts. And when we surrender to His touch, however painful at first, our hearts will be changed and healed in exactly the way He desires. His greatest longing that was spoken again and again to the children of Israel? The love of their hearts. And that's what He wants from us today.

He Still Satisfies

Well, the day finally arrived. It came and went. I left the country for the city, family for friends, boredom for busyness. There's a peacefulness of routine here--hustle and bustle to fill my empty days. But, I pray I will never lose the blessing of quiet.

Walking down country roads early in the morning while the dew is still fresh on the fields is nothing less than breathtaking. God is so real, so present, so all-consuming. But, here in the noise and the mayhem, He is still very real..still so very present, and I pray I'll never miss that.

I cannot stop thinking about that verse I was musing on a week or so ago...it never leaves my mind. Psalm 107: 9..."For He satisfies the longing soul, and He fills the hungry soul with goodness." My soul will never stop longing for something somewhere else...I am born expected to experience angst and unrest and some degree of emotional upheaval. My soul will always be hungry for something more.

Praise God, He is where I find it..HE is where I find all that satisfies me. To all my reader friends out there, if the mental exhaustion of classes and career seem to start stealing my peace and joy, please remind me of this. If my failures and mistakes and imperfections seem to be overwhelming my ability to love and serve, please remind me again. HE satisfies...HE fills.

This switch in speeds of life can be scary and beautiful at the same time...like love, like loneliness, like longing. I'm lucky some days just to put one foot in front of the other. But, my Father only gives us one day at a time. And this one is over.

How amazing to still be able to say He has never failed..not yesterday, not today, and He won't fail tomorrow. HE will always satisfy, if only I will seek Him and let the rest fall into place.

Sleep peacefully tonight, you "redeemed of the Lord". If you are longing and hungry like me, remember that the God of Psalm 107 is YOUR God. "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His lovingkindness is everlasting." (1) "He changes a wilderness into a pool of water and a dry land into springs of water; and there He makes the hungry to dwell..." (35-36)

So Much Hope!

Musings on 1 Peter 1:1-9
1Pe 1:3-4 KJV
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you."
The days I take my eyes off the truth of these 9 verses are the days I sink like Peter and have to call out, "Lord, save me!" I lose my bearings because I lose sight of Jesus; who He is, all He has done to redeem me, and the certain hope of an eternal future full of worshipping Him.
Peter wrote these words after all...wouldn't it make sense that he wanted to keep us from making the same mistakes he did? What I find interesting is how much time we spend examining and condemning Peter's failures as a disciple when in fact, we are just like him. He was well-intentioned too..he wanted to serve Jesus too. But his pride got in the way, and his fear and confusion and excitement got in the way. Aren't we just like that?
Perhaps these verses in 1 Peter 1 are so precious to many of us because they remind us what (and more importantly, Who) is truly valuable and unchanging.
Let us not forget all we have been brought into through Christ and all we have been called out of. He is unchanging and therefore, our redemption is unchanging. Even though we cannot enjoy His physical company, we are invited to rejoice in His spiritual presence with us at all times...we are welcomed to worship Him even in all of our failings and sinfulness.
As Max Lucado puts it so well, "Jesus allows our mistakes to be lost in His perfection." I pray that I may take my eyes off myself and fix them on the Cross and the Savior who died there that I might live in "lively hope" and be given "an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled." He's waiting in Heaven for me and I can't wait to meet Him at last!

What Does Lack Look Like? (Part 2)

1 Corinthians 6:16-17 KJV
"What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit."

So this is where the idea of unity is explained most clearly. It reminds me of the verse that states "man cannot serve two masters: either he will hate one and love the other, or love the one and despise the other." I believe that thought is here. How can you honestly claim to be in spiritual communion with Christ when you are in sexual union with a prostitute? How can you be quarreling bitterly and publicly with your brother in Christ and yet be in fellowship with God and living in His word? How can you serve Christ and serve your sinful self? The answer is you can't.

So what does lack of unity with God look like? It looks like lack of unity with our brothers and sisters. It looks like inconsistency between what we say about God and what we do in response to God's Word. It looks like selfishness, foolishness, and defeat.

When we are united with the Lord Jesus, we are united on every level--emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. He wants everything; our heart and its affections, our spirit and our attitudes, our intelligence and our intellect, and our bodies and desires. We are in essence relinquishing all selfish control of our existence and handing it to Him. And when we turn back on that choice and again feel a pull toward the flesh that used to reign, our communion with God will be hindered. We will find that our emotions, our minds, our souls, and our flesh will be at war with each other...FAR from united. And the farther we distance from the Savior who longs to be one with us, the more it shows in the way we live before others.

God help us to stay close to Him and consequently, close to the people who walk through life beside us...that He may be glorified by our unity and others may be won to Him.

What Does Lack Look Like?

Musings on 1 Corinthians 6

After thinking so much about unity over the past few days, I appreciated hearing a discussion regarding it tonight during weekly Bible study with my local church. We are currently studying 1 Corinthians 6. Paul discusses here several glaring instances of discord, or lack of unity, in the Corinthian church.

First, the issue of Christian brothers and sisters taking each other to court is discussed. A few things seemed relatively clear to me: the two are in a quarrel based on at least one wronging the other, they are not handling it between themselves with repentance and/or forgiveness, and the church appears incapable of providing the wisdom needed to resolve it.

Next, the lack of unity with Christ is handled by defining the characteristics of an ungodly, Christ-forsaking world and how those things are creeping into the lives of the Christians in the church. This description moves on into the dangers of licentiousness--particularly gluttony and fornication. Both of these sins are a display of a lack of unity between ourselves and God. Gluttony is seeking satisfaction in food and not in God and fornication is union with another body who does not belong to us--seeking satisfaction in sexual union with another person instead of in spiritual communion with our heavenly Bridegroom. When we were made One with Christ, He became the One for whom we are to forsake all others, for richer or poorer, and as long as we should live.

( Will be continued)

Only a Thought for Now..

Musings on Unity

Sometimes I find that all I can say is what is nagging my heart. This week, much has been on my mind. But, my thoughts keep returning to this one word: unity.

What does it mean when the Lord Jesus prays in the garden that all who follow Him will be one, as He and the Father are one? What does it mean to be of one mind? What is true unity as I find in God's Word?

As I begin looking into the meaning and significance of Christian unity, I am finding four representations that require much more study and meditation than that of one day.

First, unity in the family of God (brotherhood and sisterhood). Second, unity in covenant marriage. Third, unity in service and suffering. Fourth, unity in the Godhead.

I hope that as I keep learning about what the Scripture means to be one with others in these God-honoring ways, I will also learn what it means to unite body, mind, soul, and spirit for the purpose of glorifying Him.

As the week goes on, I pray God will teach us all what we need most to hear and learn.

Prayers That Exalt Him...and Change Me

Musings on Psalm 119

Ok, I know what you are probably thinking. "Girl, you really want to tackle the longest chapter in our Bible? Do you think you are some kind of scholar or something?" Definitely.not.

This chapter is full of things I can't even scratch the surface of. But, today a pattern of prayer in Psalm 119 caught my eye and as I looked closer, I couldn't help but get excited about belonging to the God who answers prayer. The God who is worthy of our worship and delights in our praise.
As I read through this extensive chapter this morning, I decided to take the time to write out every direct address and request to God: from the first, "Do not forsake me utterly" to the last "Seek Your servant". What I found as I did this amazed me. So many of the psalmist's pleas to God are repeated over and over again...and each of the three requests that are repeated most often call on God for sincere change.

"Teach me" is the most frequent request (spoken 9 times). "Teach me Your statutes"...He wants to know the law and truth of the God he thirsts for. This man is first a student of God and His Word.

The second most common phrase is one that I have often failed to notice and is now the one that speaks most to my heart: "Revive me." The writer consistently asks the Lord for revival (8 times this phrase is used). True intimacy with God is not about head knowledge clearly, it is about heart knowledge. Only if my heart is truly alive in His grace--revived by His word, revived by lovingkindness, revived by obedience--will I experience satisfying closeness with God. When I am dry and distant and all-but-dead, what I need to ask God for most is revival in my own heart. A thirst for Him and the everlasting, satisfying, abundant life He offers.

And third, I was impressed by the ever-present longing for understanding in this psalm. "Make me understand" or "Give me understanding" is repeated 5 times...to me, that's a lot. If you were ever to ask the people in this world who know me best, you would soon find that I am not a good listener. I try, but it is not something that comes easily to me at all. I was that girl who struggled to pass reading comprehension and listening sections of standardized tests simply because I paid little attention to what mattered even when I tried to. In all honesty, I like knowing things. It somehow appeals to my foolish self to have facts and knowledge that I can hold over people's heads. But, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have truly sought to understand someone or something at a deep, core level. All that talk of shallow and deep processing in Psych 101? I'd pretty much end up in the shallows every time. I know it, but I never truly seek to know it in the fullest sense. But, this is how I want to know God and His word: and if I ask in prayer, "Give me understanding" He promises to provide.

There are a multitude of amazing prayers found in this chapter dedicated to expressing the beauty and joy of God's word. "Open my eyes...Strengthen me...Turn my eyes away from worthless things...Let Your mercies come to me...Remember the word You spoke to me...Let my heart be blameless...Save me...Help me!...Uphold me...Hear me...Deliver me...Redeem me." If these were only my prayers when I seek God's face in my day!

It is so easy for my prayers to be self-focused and even self-exalting as I beg the Lord to accomplish my own will. It is so easy to ask Him to change my circumstances, alter others' behavior, and fix my problems. But, so rarely do I find myself asking what this psalm asks. Father, Teach me that I may learn. Revive me that I may live only for You. Give me understanding so I may believe and obey all that I find as I spend time in Your presence.  I so rarely ask the Lord to change me.

Only by changing my heart into a heart more like His will God be exalted or his will be accomplished in me. I pray that God will help us everyday to exalt His name in our actions and conversation and to depend on Him consistently to change our hearts into hearts more like the loving, serving, and gracious heart of Jesus.

Clinging to Him

Musings on John 20:1-18

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a close friend of mine that changed my whole perception of this resurrection story. He shared with me that he was reading about Mary Magdalene at the tomb in John 20 and said "You know what's incredible? Jesus loved Mary. Mary loved Jesus. And when He said "Don't touch me", like we've always heard, it really means "Stop clinging to me". Wouldn't it be amazing to hold onto Jesus so tightly that He'd have to tell us let go a little?"

Wow.
That wounded me like a knife in the gut. I had never thought of that scene in that way...and I can admit that rarely have I drawn so close to the Savior that He would ever wonder about restraining me from coming closer.

I am humbled when I think of the story of Mary Magdalene. She had been possessed by seven demons before she met Jesus and He graciously healed her. Undoubtedly, her former life was one of immeasurable darkness and torture and bondage. It is interesting that in the Scriptures, the number seven is a number of completeness...what a cruel and seemingly inescapable prison to have seven demons living your soul! But, here beside the tomb of Jesus, she is a free woman...overwhelmed by grief that the Man who saved her life has been stolen from His grave. Completely dumbfounded that the Man she believed to be the Messiah is dead. Lonely for that prized closeness with Love and Light himself.

Notice the first verse: "On the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came early to the tomb, while it was still dark, and saw the stone already taken away from the tomb." She came early...the earliest time of the week at the earliest time of day. She came in the dark. She sought the One she loved before everything else. And who was the first to see the empty tomb of Jesus? Mary.

As she ran to tell the other disciples that He was not there, the news must have been beyond confusing to her finite mind. How could this be? Where is He? In verses 10 and 11, there is a contrast I hadn't noticed until I examined it again. "The disciples went away again to their own homes...but Mary was standing outside the tomb weeping; and so, as she wept, she stooped and looked into the tomb." Jesus' own chosen men left the tomb to go home. In effect, they decided to close up shop because nothing wonderful could happen here at the empty tomb of their Master. But what did Mary do? Overcome with grief and covered in tears, she stood by the tomb and looked for something more. In verse 15, who is the first to see the angels and to be asked that searching question "Why are you weeping?" Mary. This woman who had watched the Light of the Lord Jesus banish her darkness was the first to be introduced to the stunning truth that the Light of the World had conquered even the blackness of death itself. 

Best of all, who was the first to see the Lord Jesus alive again? Mary. She turns to Him, "supposing Him to be the gardener" and asks where he has been laid. And yet, the risen Christ stands right in front of her and, in response, speaks only her name. "Mary." Instantly, everything is clear! Can we even imagine the joy in Mary's heart as she held Him and said "Rabboni!"? Her heart must have been leaping.

She was at the cross. She watched Him die. And now she stands at the empty tomb in His open arms!

Then, she hears these tender words in verse 17; "Stop clinging to Me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brethren and say to them, 'I ascend to My Father and your Father, and my God and your God." I can't wrap my head or my heart around this verse. I don't think I will ever be able to.

The Lord Jesus had completed everything to rescue a fallen world and bring them into close communion with God once again. Because of His sacrifice, His God is now ours. His Father is now ours by blood. And who does He tell first? A weeping woman that hangs onto Him for dear life. A weak woman He had rescued from the devil's strong grip. Tenderly, Jesus gives the news of His resurrection--the greatest triumph in history--not to His disciples, not to kings and queens and generals, not to crowds of admiring spectators..but to Mary Magdalene who hangs on His neck in tears.

Because she sought Him, because she devoted her whole heart to the only One who could provide the pure love she craved, this woman who had lived in the world's darkness for long enough found the risen Jesus first. And as she clung to Him and then obediently released her hold on Him so He could finally return to His throne in heaven, she taught us all a lesson not to be forgotten.

Seek Him sincerely and seek Him first. Seek Him in your darkness. You will find Him and when you do, cling to Him with everything you have. Because His life is the only life worth clinging to.

Waiting is Seeking

Musings on Psalms 62-63

"My soul, wait only upon God; for my expectation is from Him." (62:5)

"O God, You are my God; early will I seek You: my soul thirsts for You, my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is." (63:1)

One strikingly powerful facet of imperfection is impatience. If anyone knows this all too well, I do. I HATE waiting...I hate it like cows hate the slaughterhouse. But, God has been teaching me recently that waiting is not only an vital discipline but also a way to draw closer to the Savior's heart. When the angst of waiting for God to work overwhelms me, I am forced closer to Him in prayer...and I can rest assured that He understands exactly how I feel.

Waiting makes us thirsty. When we are thirsty, we set out on a search for pure water. And God leads us to the Source of Living Water! Incredible.

Waiting is not sitting by, doing nothing. It is actively, consistently, sincerely seeking the face of God. Waiting is not doubting and dawdling...it is hoping expectantly and working to serve in every way we are able at present.

Seeking God is waiting God's time and revelation.

And waiting? Waiting in itself is seeking the only One worth waiting for.

Leaving It All

Musings on Matthew 16:24

When I love something, I'll most likely leave everything else to attain it. 6:30 am and I leave my warm bed to play the piano that beckons. 1:30 am and I still sit at my desk poring over an old copy of Jane Eyre. I leave my sleep to follow my passions.

And when I love someone, I am called to leave everything else to serve him or her. No matter what I want, I am to leave it to provide for their needs. When my niece needs a shoulder to cry on or applause to cheer her on, I'm to drop what I'm doing and give it. When the one I love is sick or struggling, I'm to care for him as I'd want to be taken care of. When my friend is down on her luck, I'm to provide something she lacks asking nothing in return.

But here's the kicker: I don't always do that. In fact, I often don't.

I say I love God's Word, but do I leave my comfort to read it? I say I love my brothers and sisters, but do I leave the people that stand against them to be on their side? I say I love my best friend, but do I drop what I'm doing to pray for her in her struggles and the stresses and temptations of her day?...I could keep going.

And I am as sincere in my affections as a faltering human can be! I try to love the people I love in every way I can think of...and yet I still fall so short. When Jesus asks us to "take up our cross and follow Him", He means to leave everything for love of Him. "Let the dead bury their dead"(Matt. 8:22) can sound pretty harsh but think of what He's saying for a minute. Here's a paraphrase: Family should not impede your devotion to me, and death itself should not impede your devotion to me. Following me is first.

I am reminded of the institution of marriage. "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they two shall be one flesh."(Gen. 2:24) It's the same thought here. If you love one, you'll leave the other. In leaving, you will be united intimately to the one you have been given.

Are we truly willing to leave all for love of others? More importantly, are we willing to leave all for love of the Lord Jesus? He left everything for love of us...heaven, glory, angels, wealth, power. Can we not follow Him, "forsaking all others"?

I am ashamed when I think of my failing to take up my cross daily..when I think of all I have been given and how little I give. But, I so want to learn to leave everything! To leave the world, to leave my sin, and to leave all that weakens my resolve to serve the Savior who purchased me at such great price.

As we prepare to worship Him tomorrow, let's remember to leave everything that doesn't matter behind. Let's worship the One we love in spirit and in truth...because He first loved us. <3 Enough to take up His cross so we never had to bear God's righteous anger. He left all because He loved us. May I leave all because I love Him..and continue to learn to love the people in my life as He loves me.

Stillness and Truth

Musings on Psalm 46

Yesterday, I spent my afternoon in a shopping mall. Yes, I am a 19-year-old girl and I love clothes and shoes and ice cream, but honestly, I left there with a completely weary and empty heart. The lies of Satan followed me wherever I walked; in every store, signs told me I needed this to be beautiful, to be alluring, to be confident, successful, wealthy, satisfied. At one point, I picked up half of my lunch in the food court and dumped it in the garbage can, nauseous and anxious to just get out. Why? Because all the things that the hundreds of people walking by me all day thought mattered, don't matter. At all. Because my heart broke for people so empty that they try to make emptiness fill them up. Before I slept last night, I prayed that God would refocus my eyes..take them away from the lies and put them on the truth.

All of that brings me to today. Today, I spent my entire day with my family at one of my favorite spots in the world: a beautifully rocky New England beach. The soft ocean breeze caressed my skin. I could taste the salty air on my tongue. I watched the tide come in, the tall sailboats go out until I could hardly see them in the distance. And I thought to myself "Someone made all of this. These trees, this summer air, this vast ocean. And that someone made me too, and holds me as I walk along the shore." A breath-taking thought.

As I felt the spray of the white foam along the rocks, I looked up to the heavens and realized this truth is more than words written on a wall text, "Be still and know that I am God." In the NASB, Psalm 46:10 reads, "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." It is about stillness. Peace in the reality of who our God is. Comfort in the fact that He will make Himself known.

In the materialistic world we live in, there is constant hustle and bustle. Greed drives us to make money, love of money fills our schedules with work and activity, and our busy lives run around in circles until we wonder how we got where we are. We have learned to accept stress and worry and daily jam-packed schedules as a natural part of life. How often do we forget the truth of this whole psalm! Notice verses 1-3: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride." God is present with us! Our God is God! I saw the ocean on a mild summer day this morning and yet its furious strength still astounded me. When I see the waters "roar and foam" in a storm, the first thing I think of is shrinking back and going inside to be safe. These verses are telling me that my hiding place is God himself. He is my help and my refuge, so there is no need to shrink back. I need only to call on Him in stillness...to "cease striving," or trying to fight my battles or accomplish everything in my life on my own...and allow Him to work in the way He has promised to.

I think the greed in my heart is just fear-- fear that God will not provide for my needs. The lust? Fear that God cannot meet my desires abundantly. The envy? Fear that God cannot see my life in the way He sees others. So, here's what I have come away with today and I hope it will touch your heart as it has touched mine:

God is present, He is powerful, and He will perform. But, we only live in the good of this fact if we are still..if we cease our striving and remember that He will be exalted. Satan's lies will not be believed forever. God's truth will win.

Let us be still and get to know to know our God intimately. Then, in faith we will let Him fight for us.

Prayers We Wish We Never Needed

Psalm 86:1-17 NASB

"Incline Your ear, O LORD ,  and  answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy. Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to You I cry all day long. Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You. Give ear, O LORD , to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications! In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me. There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours. All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
And they shall glorify Your name. For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O LORD ;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name. I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever. For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol. O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them. But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth. Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid. Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see  it  and be ashamed,
Because You, O LORD , have helped me and comforted me."

This is a prayer that needs no comment. It was David's, and today it is MINE. May we daily become more like children after our Father's heart!

We Don't Shock Him

Musings on Psalm 107

Several months ago, my boyfriend told me he had been reading and loving Psalm 107 and I turned to it to see what he had found. I had read it before but never realized just how much God's character is revealed in this psalm. Since then, I have turned to it almost instinctively every time I open the Psalms, just to read words that remind me how God can change the course of my day and my life, no matter how dark.

The first and last lines of the chapter are perfect "bookends" for the beautiful truth found inside them: "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good...and consider the lovingkindnesses of the Lord." In short, I sum up Psalm 107 in 12 words--Praise Him from your heart for His miracles. Praise and never forget.

These verses are a study in contrasts and in the ultimate control of our Creator God. No circumstances in our lives shock Him. Just think of it! Lost and wandering in the desert wilderness? He'll find you. Ready to faint from malnourishment and dehydration? He'll feed you and quench your thirst. (4-9) So blind you can't see three inches in front of your face, nevermind three years into the future? He'll light the way for your stumbling feet. Chained in the consequences of your own sin and failure? He'll set you free. Broken by the price you've had to pay? He'll mend you. (10-20) Dying in direct rebellion against everything you know? You've turned from Him, but He'll turn to you and stretch out His hand. Blown about by the powerful winds and melting in the waves of an ocean storm you never saw coming? He'll speak and still the storm. Wondering how you're going to make it home? He'll bring you there. (23-30) Dry and barren? He'll make you flourish. So successful and proud that you're on the road to disaster? He'll derail your train and humble your heart. Poor and weak and oppressed and grieving? He'll bring you above everything that could crush you--to a place where He lives and blesses. (33-41)

I mean, what else can be said? I'm amazed more every day by the goodness of God in my life. When I look at the prayers He has answered, the desperate pleas He has heard, the broken heart He has healed on so many occasions, I am sent to my knees. And on the days I am dry and distant, the all-providing God draws me close and puts His arms around me. I don't deserve to have my Savior walk through life with me..but I couldn't be more grateful that the God of Psalm 107 is mine. "Let [us] give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men!" (31)

Looking for Him

In every day, if we look for it, there is a moment of awe to be found. There is at least one moment that will take our breath away. Why? Because it is the moment we find what we are looking for...or rather, who we are looking for. It is the moment we see our lives as they could be and shout with joy that they are so much more. What do I mean? Well, here are a few moments in our various lives:

Your daughter kisses you on the cheek and says "Goodnight, Daddy. I love you." Your son looks up at you to see the expression on your face and copies it exactly. Your infant cries in the night and as soon as she is in your arms, her voice is silent and her eyes are closed. You watch the sunset on the beach as you sit beside the person you love. You drink from underneath a waterfall. You feel a child's heavy breath as he falls asleep on your shoulder. You hear a clap of thunder and see heaven's floodgates open from the front-row...the skylight in your ceiling. You walk through the white woods and can only hear the sound of leaves crunching underneath your boots....there are millions I could think of.

Today I had one moment like this as I looked out over an empty field on my morning walk. It was early..the sky was grey and few were awake. And yet, the beauty of untouched nature was breathtaking. I had to ask myself: If I spent my entire day looking for the hand of God all around me, would I just keep finding it? And if I found it, would it change the way I live- the way I see my world and my life and the people so much a part of it?

I have to wonder what it would be like if the awesomeness of God never left the front of my mind, the center of my desires, the innermost chamber of my heart. Would the power of His love transform my ability to love and trust and serve others? Would the power of His grace take my eyes off of my sin and weakness and fix them solely on the cross? Would the power of His mercy keep me from the destructive pride and prejudice in which I so often shamefully find myself indulging?

God has made His home in me. What an amazing thought! He will not leave or forsake me. So, if I spent today looking for Him on every corner, would I find Him? I would. I would find Him in the loving words of the family He gave me, the friends He brought me, and the people who came into my life only by the goodness of His hand. I would find Him in the beauty of His creation and in the whispering wind. I would find Him in the literature I read, the music I play, and in the hearts and minds of students I teach. And if I found Him, could He change this heart of stone into a heart of flesh? I believe He could. If I would just let him, I believe He would.

Why Trust?

Musing on Isaiah 26
"The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You. Trust in the LORD  forever,
For in GOD  the LORD,  we have  an everlasting Rock."
~verses 3 and 4

I don't know about you, but I find it so difficult to trust; to trust people and especially, to trust God. Nothing is more frustrating to me than my own weakness and faithlessness. Ironically, in fact, being an imperfect perfectionist means that even just looking at the title of this blog- "Musings of an Imperfect Perfectionist"- makes my skin tingle with anxiety as I realize my own identity. Why do I find it so difficult to trust God who has never failed me? Why do I find it so impossible to leave every detail of my life in the hands of the One who already holds every breath I take and formed me before even my parents knew I existed? Nothing is more infuriating to me than my inexplicable lack of trust in the Father who sent His own Son to redeem me from sin and death.

Isaiah 26 reminds me of the strength of the Lord God of Israel...the God I trusted in almost 10 years ago. In verse 1, the land of Judah sings "We have a strong city; He sets up walls...for security." They can sing because God keeps them safe. In verse 3, "the steadfast of mind" (or he who fixes his mind on God) is "kept in perfect peace" by God. Why? Because he trusts in God. My favorite is verse 4: "In God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock." What would I hide in for protection? A Rock. What would I rely on for strength? A Rock. What weapon does serious damage to the giants in my life? A Rock. On what pillow can I safely rest my head when there is nothing and noone else? A Rock. THE Rock. And not only is He the Rock, He is everlasting! He'll never leave or die or disappear or fail. Time and time again, the Bible tells me about a Rock that is strong and sure and will never disappoint me.

Verse 8: "Your name is the desire of our souls." Verse 9: "At night my soul longs for You...my spirit within me seeks You (early)." Not only can I trust Him, I am created with a powerful desire for Him. Like I desire water or food or love or companionship. At every time of day, my soul longs for Him...but do I turn to Him to satisfy that utmost longing? Am I seeking Him early to find the strength I need? Or do I look every place else--in people, in pleasure, in entertainment, in work, in my studies--to find what can only be found in Him?

My eye is drawn to verse 13: "Other masters besides You have ruled us." I have been controlled by things that take precedence over my seeking God. I have been ruled by desires for things that are not God and are not of God. But (praise God!) in verse 14, "You have wiped out all remembrance of them." Those masters are gone because now, my only master is the Lord. He rules over me and righteously. He gives me strength and protection and peace that nothing else can give. In distress I can seek Him, and whisper a prayer (verse 16). And even when punishment comes to the wicked who do not turn to Him, the everlasting Rock hides His people in Himself (verse 21).

I may struggle to trust, but my Rock will never struggle to deliver. What a reminder for today! In mere hours, I can go from Miss Has-it-all-together to Miss About-to-fall-apart. Ask the people closest to me and they will tell you. But, the beauty of my weakness is the perfection of His strength in me. "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."~2 Corinthians 12:9

He didn't fail hundreds of years ago. He didn't fail thousands of years ago. And He won't fail today. Maybe today He wants to tell my stumbling heart and yours.."Trust in the LORD forever,
For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock." Isaiah 26:4

Speechless

......that's all I really have to say today.

I am speechless in the presence of my Savior, speechless at His table on the day millions of us come together to worship the only One worthy, speechless when I realize my own sinfulness and failure and inability to earn His grace.

Sometimes I just need to be quiet--shut my mouth, open my ears, and revel in the blessings I have through the blood of Jesus.

God Shows Us Himself

Musings on Psalm 18: 1-36

So, I began reading Desiring God with the first chapter titled "The Happiness of God: The Foundation of Christian Hedonism". That title struck me as bizarre but as I continued to read I found just how important the happiness of God is to my own happiness. If He is glorifying Himself (as He always is in some manner, even in a wicked world), He is full of delight. And ultimately, if I am glorifying Him in my life, I am full of delight. Why? Because my Father's happiness, my all-powerful Creator's happiness, brings me more joy than anything in this world ever can. Incredible thought...convicting and motivating thought.

All of this brings me to Psalm 18, which I turned to this morning as I enjoyed my usual pineapple yogurt. The first verse is powerful enough in itself: "I love You, O Lord, my strength." Do I love Him? Oh yes, but not as deeply as I should. Is He my strength? He has never failed me when I call on Him, but how often I fail to call on Him because I want to be able to handle life on my own strength. This psalm is beautiful and powerful for many reasons but to there is one major idea that kept coming to the forefront and causing me to worship:

God shows us Himself. God wants to show us Himself. God is not content that we have mere knowledge of His existence or authority, but that we embrace Him with our souls. And, truly, we will never be content with mere knowedge of His existence or authority unless we do embrace Him with our souls. Unless we bow to His power and will, pour out our praise and affections to Him, and seek Him until we find Him in all His glory.

Notice verses 4-15. What takes place here? David feels the weight of the world's emptiness (4-5), cries out to the Lord in distress, and He hears (6). But, then He answers, angry at the wickedness surrounding David, with multiple awe-inspiring demonstrations of His power (7-15). David asks the Lord for help and what does He do? He answers, in a big way that could not be interpreted as anything but the hand of God.

In verse 19, there is a phrase that holds more mystery for me than maybe anything in this chapter: "He rescued me, because He delighted in me." The Lord delighted in David? More profound, He rescues me because He delights in me? God reveals to me His saving power because He delights in me and because His delight in me brings delight to Himself. As the chapter continues, verses 20-24 describe the psalmist's obedience and faith.

And finally, in verses 25-26 (and up to verse 36) I find the stunning reality: God shows us Himself. He wants to show us Himself. But, it is amazing the way in which He shows us Himself. "With the kind, You show Yourself kind; With the blameless, You show Yourself blameless." As we seek to display the attributes of God, we discover the depths of their beauty. Yet another searching phrase appears in verse 26: "And with the crooked, You show Yourself (twisted)." We can also display our hardened hearts and our anger in our lives, and in return God reveals His anger toward us...all in an effort to reveal His holiness and ultimately to draw us back to the only One worthy of our worship.

He is our strength and shield. He upholds us. He rescues us. And everything about our God is everything we need to be fully satisfied. We not only are privileged through salvation to be able to serve Him and obey Him, we can delight in Him. As a bride delights in her husband and as a child delights in the love of her Father. We can be thrilled by the Word of God in the same way an epicure is thrilled by a gourmet feast.

God doesn't give anything to us by halves. Abundant grace. Abundant strength. Abundant love. And abundant joy, if only we would seek our joy in His.

The Endless List

I am amazed some days by my lack of interest and focus in the task of reading which I once enjoyed more than anything. Perhaps it is the busyness of life which has robbed me of the kind of inner quiet I need to enjoy words. Lately I have found that if it is not the Bible or my piano music on my lap, I simply will not finish it though I start with grand intentions.

Today I am determined to begin finishing what I start--not for my own satisfaction, but for a renewed fire to seek God in my Bible and win daily spiritual victories for the name of Christ. Thus, I begin with a book that has long been calling my name: it is called Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist. Could I not benefit by being struck with the ultimate joy found in God's presence and an intimate relationship with Him?

It is clear that the pleasures and temptations of the world are joyless: the little I have seen and experienced echoes the truth of that. Even joys that seem like they should satisfy (relationships, success, security) just can't give our hearts what we crave. So, today I am praying that the Lord will give me a sense of urgency and focus to drink from His Word and His heart everything my thirsty soul needs...that I may pour it out on others.

As my booklist grows, my sense of inadequacy and inability can grow as well. Every good thing I plan and reach for can seem so unattainable. You know what I mean...Holiness. Purity. Selfless service. Knowledge. Truth. They hit like hammers when I realize how many times, how many ways I miss the mark. But Paul encourages us to "press toward the mark, for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus," so I know I must keep going.

School will start, the busyness will worsen, and I shudder to think of the excuses that will pile up in my heart to be lackadaisical about drinking enough out of God's fountain.

Pray for me today, I ask..as a sister. And be encouraged that God will give us strength for the day as we drink from the Living Water. Our inadequacies will never be too much for His grace. Our strongest desires will never be too much for Him to fill...and fill COMPLETELY.

Conviction, Confession, and Grace

Musings on Psalm 25

David knows his sin. Not only does he know his sin, he knows his sinfulness. Not only does he know his sin and sinfulness, he FEELS it. Is this not the most painful part of walking humbly with God? We don't confess our sins like a dutiful, robotic list once Jesus saves us. No. Each one we feel like an arrow that pierces our heart. And then we must lay open that gory wound in front of the One who shed His own blood to keep us from it.

Yet, if we were never convicted of our own failure, our own sinfulness...we would never begin to appreciate the depths of God's grace through Jesus. Our confession to the Father acts on conviction from the Spirit within us and opens the door to abundant grace through the once-for-all sacrifice of the Son, Jesus Christ.

As David cries out to be forgiven of his sin, he asks the Lord to teach him His paths and show him His ways. He is not merely content with forgiveness, he wants righteousness. When we confess and accept God's grace sincerely, we are freed to grow in holiness and freed to become less and less like our fleshly selves and more and more like our heavenly Christ.