It's a Lonely Road

My first draft sound recording of my new song, "Lonely Road"

Musing on the Prodigal Son

It is amazing to me that God gives us characters in His Word that are so real, so ordinary, so human, so flawed. Perhaps the greatest source of my hope in Christ is that God has always been able to use even the weakest of human beings to accomplish His purposes. As I was thinking about the prodigal son this week, I was stunned to see "the road home" as a picture of Christ's work.

It is the Holy Spirit who causes us to repent, to turn around on the sinful road we came down. It is our Father God who waits at the door of heaven to receive us with open arms. But, it is the Lord Jesus who guides us into the Father's arms..it is He who assures us that His sacrifice is enough as we fumble through excuses to offer God at the pearly gates, and it is Christ who walks beside us with wisdom, forgiveness, and love on our way home.

My thoughts on the prodigal son are certainly not from the point of view of the father or the elder and obedient son. I am the prodigal, I am the runaway, the renegade, the son who "wasted his inheritance on riotous living", the young man filling the pig trough and groaning with hunger. But praise God, I am also the prodigal who was awakened and turned around by the Spirit, led home by the Savior, and accepted by the Father through no righteousness or words of my own, but by His love.

Suffice it to say that I am not proud to have been a prodigal. Neither could I be proud that I so often still am one..foolishly making decisions that turn my heart from the Cross and onto the world, selfishly placing my desires above pleasing or obeying my Father. I sing "O to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be" and I mean it with everything in me. My soul, my heart, and my mind are not at all what they should be. But I pray that God will always give me the strength to turn around and walk the road home--knowing He's there with an embrace when I try to offer an excuse, knowing that He has given me Heaven when all I deserve is Hell..

"It was a lonely road finally coming home again, it was a lonely road without a soul to call my friend..but He was with me the whole way, He led me in the right way to a life in Him that will never end...When I was walking down that old dusty road that night, there was a Father who'd been waiting every single night for me to just turn round on that LONELY ROAD I traveled down." ~Lonely Road

Working in Our Waiting

Musing on Waiting:

I had no intention of blogging today. In fact, I haven't blogged in so long that i had almost forgotten what it felt like to NEED to say something. But I do need to say something. Today.

In the stress of writing papers for finals, I take brief study breaks to relax my mind. During my break this afternoon, I stumbled onto a Tumblr site called tmfs: To My Future Spouse. And then there were waterworks. I sobbed and smiled and laughed and worshipped.. There it was, black and white--the raw ache of waiting. The hunger and loneliness of wondering what life is going to become and what it will take to get there. Yet, right alongside that anxious impatience, was a childlike trust that God hears, listens, and is in control. We may not be patient, but He is still faithful. In the waiting, God is forming us into people who are worth the pursuit.

In reading these tender confessions, I was struck by the depth of longing in all of our hearts for something more. For acceptance and freedom and forgiveness. For intimacy and healing and deep communication. For laughter and adventure and passion. If we all have it, God must give it. And why?

I believe, as it is with all of the circumstances in our lives, our longings are for God's glory. Our longings for love and healing (emotional or physical) and freedom ultimately drive us to the only One who can satisfy them. Our longings for wholeness draw us deep into prayer, communication with the Lover of our souls. And only then, in that state of trust in our Father, can we fulfill the longings of our hearts beside another of His children.

We are all broken. We are all waiting for things in our lives to change. Perhaps we are caught in the throes of addiction, enslaved to our desires and sin. Perhaps we are desperately praying for God to heal a loved one who is sick and we don't understand. Why him? Why her? Perhaps we are longing for a relationship that matters deeply to us to be mended. Perhaps we are longing for a companion--a friend or a spouse who will love us no matter what. Perhaps we are longing to have the children God seems to be consistently denying us.

Whatever we are waiting for, we can be sure that God is using this time of emotional distress, chaos, and uncertainty to draw us to Him. And closeness to Him is what gives Him the most glory.

"Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us. You are with us in the fire and the flood. FAITHFUL FOREVER, PERFECT IN LOVE. You are sovereign over us."~Aaron Keyes

When Life Falls Apart, God Doesn't

Musing on Psalm 40

"I wanna run to the one thing I know is something true..
I wanna be with You." ~Avalon

Let's all face something today. Life fails us. People fail us. Things fail us. All of us, no matter our age or cultural background or gender or family history or religious affiliation, have been disappointed. We could spend our whole lives searching for that one person who will never let us down, that one success that will satisfy us for a lifetime...and wind up lost and empty. The words to Avalon's song, "I Wanna Be With You," touched me this morning as I considered that the Lord Jesus Christ is the only One I have found to be true and satisfying at every difficult time in my life. He is the One I can run to, the One I can trust to protect me and love me when it seems no one else will. Today I choose to be with Him, to walk with Him through the troubling and even disastrous moments of my day...knowing He will never leave me or forsake me.

I find myself often looking to my best friends or my boyfriend or my family members for endurance when things get difficult. I look to people to give me the emotional security I crave. In many ways, that can be healthy and shows how very blessed I am to have such a network of people I can trust. But, in another sense, it proves that I tend to be dependent on fallible people instead of on my infallible Savior. When I find areas of my life unraveling, relationships falling apart, difficult decisions looming ahead, where do I turn? To whom do I turn? These are questions we must all ask ourselves. When push comes to shove, do we just say we trust Jesus and then doubt His power? Or do we truly believe that He is at work accomplishing more than we could imagine?

I will be the first to admit that my first response in adversity or confusion is not to open my Bible with a calm assurance that the Spirit is within me for strength and guidance. Yes, I may fall on my knees in a plea that God will show me what He's doing. But I know so little about relying solely and firmly on God's faithfulness, though I have seen it time and time again. I pray that God will continue to make me aware of His presence with me every moment..to keep me from sin, from fear, from doubt. I want to know how it feels to experience the fullness of His presence in a way that transforms me.

I Wanna Be With You
By Avalon


I wanna tell You things I've never told
And take You into the center of my soul
I wanna run through
The fields of your imagination

Under the blue skies, You're the golden sun
The light in my eyes, I know You are the One
See where my heart lies
As you guide me through the shades of gray

Along the way
I will hang on every single word You say
And never live to see my dying day
I'd walk the aisle a million miles
To see You smile

I wanna know how it feels to believe in something
Ride on the heels of a good thing coming
Run to the one thing I know is something true
I wanna be with You

Want You to show me the wonder of the word
Want You to hear me like no one's ever heard
You have and hold me
Leading me out of the darkest night

Into the light
And never has it ever been so right
And from this moment on You are the sight
I can't erase
I close my eyes, I see Your face

Every day, every night
For the rest of my life
I wanna be where You are
'Cause You're never very far away
I always wanna be with You

I wanna know how it feels to believe in something
Ride on the heels of a good thing coming
Run to the one thing I know is something true


I wanna live my life like I hold the meaning
Deep inside my soul I hear the music screaming
Eyes wide open I'm awake and dreaming, too
I wanna be with You.

Psalm 40 reminds us of the Lord's power to sustain His people. If we turn to Him, He will come close to us. If we make the longing of our heart to be with the Lord as much as we can, worshipping and trusting Him, how could that not change us into people who reflect Him more to a hurting world? I pray that all of my sisters and brothers will be encouraged by the presence of the Savior today, this week, and throughout this new year.

"How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood...
You, O LORD, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me." Psalm 40:4, 11

Sin and Love...Why They are not Mutually Exclusive Sermons

Musing on 1 John

Before this morning, I never realized that 1 John is as much about sin as it is about love--perhaps even more. I am awestruck by this connection as I consider the difference between what I might call the two extreme views of the gospel of Jesus Christ. All love and forgiveness, no sin and repentance.  Or all sin and repentance, no love and forgiveness. Never have I seen a clearer balance than I found in 1 John.

The reason John warns his brothers and sisters to stay away from sin is not because he wants to hang punishments over their heads...it is because he loves them. The reason John's heart overflows with love for them is not because they are perfect...it is because they are fundamentally flawed by sin and forgiven through the blood of His Savior. Is this not a reflection of Christ...a representation of how He sees us and the nature of His unconditional love for us?

How Would It Feel?

What does it mean to touch the untouchable? To love the unlovable? To reach the unreachable? I think it means more than we think it does. I don't think it just means to meet the needs of the poor and underfed, to hug those in need of love and affection, or to reach for the underdog in society. No. I think it means to go exactly where no one else wants to go.

What does the Lord mean when He tells us to offer forgiveness 7x70 times? What is the Lord trying to say when He loves Israel with an undying love after her constant sins of idol worship, unbelief, and blatant immorality? It's the same thing...go exactly where no one else wants to go.

"Hosea, go love a woman who won't love you back. Love a woman who will love men who hurt her more than she will love the man who would protect her and provide for her. Moses, go love a people who will turn their back on you whenever it is convenient for them. Abraham, go kill your only son on an altar. Kill the promise I've given you without asking me why. Joseph, go speak to your brothers who sold you and wanted you dead. Feed them and provide homes for them, though they wanted to leave you with not even your life. And Jonah, go tell the Ninevites to leave their sin so I can forgive them and bless them. Go even though they hate you"....I could keep going. Over and over, God asks his people, his messengers and disciples, to go where it makes no sense. To step into a role that often hurts. Because God goes where no one else will go.

He is radical. He is not defined by any adjective or confined by any exclusive definition. He does what He wants, He does it for our best, and He does it in ways that He doesn't have to explain.

I've been wondering lately what it really means to love like He loves. To give like He gives and see like He sees. So little of my life experience has forced me to love what hurts me...to even reach out and hold a hand that stabbed me in the back or slapped me in the face. But I want to know...How would it feel to love a murderer? A murderer who takes lives brutally, devastates families and towns and nations with no apparent reason? How would it feel to love a mistress? One who steals the love of a man from his wife, destroys a family for her own selfishness? How would it feel to love a thief? A thief who stole everything that another worked for, leaving his home of memories an empty shell and his family's future a seemingly hopeless blank? How would it feel to love a fallen leader? One who seemed to offer truth and comfort and safety but is found to be full of lies and deception?...

The truth is..I don't know. With this sinful and broken heart of mine, I don't think I can or ever will know. I find it difficult some days just to love and honor even those priceless hearts who mean the very most to me. But God knows...He knows exactly how it feels. Because He feels it every moment...every second, His heart throbs with compassion for sinners who I, in my human pride, would reject with disgust. Every moment His whole being surges with passionate love for the thief, the terrorist...even the traitor! The ones no one wants. The ones we are warned about. The ones even the Church would have us avoid or keep at a distance..

So I ask you, what would it cost us to love like He loves? Even just for one day...to go into the neighborhoods no one else wants to set foot in, to have lunch with the person everyone else gossips about, to shamelessly love those who can't return love as we would have them return it. Would it cost us our health, our lives, our pride, our position?

But, the bigger question is this: what will it cost us not to love like He loves? Every day we're alive, doesn't the bitterness at our fellow human failures eat at our souls? Isn't a great source of our own pain the inability to forgive one who has caused it? Even I feel that..I in my brief and largely sheltered life experience. I feel that when I wake up from dreams that ask me to enter a part of my past that hurts too much--to face that small, persistent, nagging fear of insufficiency and desertion that I want to deny is there. I feel that when I swear inwardly at the woman who cuts me in line, at the child who yells obscenities to his buddies on the schoolyard at my workplace...I feel that when I look around at my fellow brothers and sisters and ask why they seem to have it all together and I am falling apart. Pain is not the problem...pride is. So, how would it feel to let it go and become the untouchable? To take off the mask and break down the walls and fall down in the dust where we came from? God only uses us when we know who we are...sinners wrecked and ruined by evil who live only by the breath He gives us each moment. Sinners who can only offer love in even the smallest of measures because He gave ALL of His love to us in the person of Jesus Christ. In the dust, we are human..and we live only by the breath of God which gives us life.

So, how would it feel? How would it feel to just go where He leads us without asking questions or demanding answers? How would it feel to love through the pain, the anger, the shame, and the stigma...to love how He loves?

It's Friday...but Sunday's Coming

What a week it has been! It is lovely to be able to finally sit and just think of God being present with me in this stillness. Behind me the church bells are singing, in front of me the soothing fountain seems to breathe water's refreshment into the wind. A gorgeous evening...there is laughter, the trees are so vibrant with stubborn late summer life, and a gorgeous setting sun.

The past several days have been full of course scheduling changes, advising appointments, interviews, piano practice, and sickness. I started the week tired and somehow am finishing it just a bit more tired. But I am so thankful for the beauty that arrests my vision and reminds me that I cannot see God when I take no time to look for Him. Yes, He IS in my chaos..but only when I surrender that chaos to His capable care.

So here it is..Friday. The end of another week. But I cannot help but smile at the phrase "It's Friday, but Sunday's coming". This week may seem beyond redemption. Some moments I may have even felt the ache of defeat. But I hope in my Sundays...little glimpses of heaven on earth. Amazing chances to worship in the presence of my Savior! Opportunities to let the world's deadness fade away and rejoice in the eternal life I've been given through Jesus :)

The Gift of Laughter

Musings on Fun in Faith

Throughout my life, I've been called many things. A few of my nicknames are Granny, Butterfingers, Teacher's Pet, and recently I got the name Droopy-eyes. In fact, I very much enjoy my silly nicknames because they teach me to poke fun at myself. :)

I am realizing gradually that life becomes joyless when we take ourselves, our lives, and others too seriously. Over the past few days, I've been fighting sickness..a pretty gross affair consisting of a nose like a fountain, red eyes, froggy voice, and a cough reminiscent of a chain-smoker's. Let me tell you...my room just reeks of Vicks vapo-rub. And of course, like a darling, my roommate takes one look at me and says, "Whoa, you're not looking so good..in fact you kinda look like death." Hah! I start to laugh and then hack like death in confirmation of her statement.

But, my point in all of this is that I had a marvelous weekend despite all of that. I spent Friday night with hundreds of college students worshipping the Lord Jesus and learning from the Bible. Yesterday, my roommate surprised me with hot cider (my favorite!) and I enjoyed reading my favorite novel, Jane Eyre, in preparation for a class next week. I also spent some of my evening joking about turkeys with my boyfriend who is planning to celebrate his Thanksgiving with me. :)

What a blessed woman I am! How much God has given me! I am given an opportunity to not only learn of God and serve Him but to enjoy Him! To laugh at my humanity and enjoy the blessings He has provided for me within His purposes..

May we never forget that joy comes in unlikely places...and it is all rooted in the Savior who has given us life and joy eternal. :)