Friday, November 14, 2014

What Do We Do with Darkness..

I know in my head, but not in my heart. Yes, my identity is rooted in Christ theoretically. But functionally, I see it is rooted in my failure and weakness. Yes, God can be trusted: I would tell you I believe that because I know it to be true. But I don’t act like I do. Just because He is trustworthy, does not mean I trust Him. I know I should pray, but I don’t want to talk to Him. I know I should read His Word, but when I do, I just feel farther away.
I don’t meet His standards, His law is almost like to Greek to me when I am this dried up. I’ve never been so parched in all my life, and I know parched. I once was so dehydrated I needed 5 bags of IV fluid to get my strength back. This is so much worse.
This is the darkest night I’ve been through, and in the morning, it isn’t gone. The dawn doesn’t come..and the stars play hide and seek with me..I’m too tired to play. When I fall down in the mud, I want to stay down..because getting up requires that I expose it to Him and wash the grime off again. That bath is never a pleasant one until it is over..and even then, a nagging reminder that it ever had to happen is enough to send me spiraling down again. Into shame-filled lies that are somehow more comfortable than the gracious power of the truth.
What do we do with our faith when we wake up every morning with a knot in our throat that just won’t go away? What do we possibly say to the Life-giver when we wish that life would just end because it has become too much to carry? What do we do with our worship when prayer feels like an act, when songs of joy sound like mock performances to a God who knows I’m just masking my pain? When Job’s heart and life were falling apart, how could he say “blessed be the name of the Lord” and not feel like some sort of fraud? I know God knew His pain, but He could have stopped it. He could have kept him from those painful conversations with his friends that made him feel more alone. But He didn’t. Why?
You may say it was to bless him. But He could have blessed him anyway. Why the total heartbreak? The betrayal? Why the sickness and the grieving and the ruin of all of his hard work and plans? God had a purpose, yes. He blessed him in much greater measure afterwards, yes. But in the blackness of that suffering, how could he have possibly kept his faith that God was still good and still listening?
I’m still asking for the answer to that question. When I pass the so-called friends I had until they didn’t want me anymore. When I wake up miles away from my husband and sick with the temptation to run to an addiction that will numb my loneliness. When I hear news that family members are sick and scared and hurting. When hopes for the future are dashed, and my hard efforts in the present seem completely useless. When the bank account is running on empty, and my physical and mental energy is depleted more than ever before. I’m still asking. The question that the psalmist asked--the question the Savior asked on the cross. “My God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from helping me? I cry all day and all night, and you don’t hear or answer.”
Maybe He does and I just don’t hear. Maybe He doesn’t and I just can’t see the reason why. In my head, I know I have a Father who loves me, who listens, who knows, and who cares. I know in my head He’s watching me write this, maybe even sharing the tears in my eyes. But, I’m still asking..because my heart doesn’t feel His presence and doesn’t believe the truth when the lies are so heavy and strong. The morning will come..but it hasn’t. And I don’t know when it will.


He does.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Ashley, there are no words I can say to encourage you. I feel I am in a similar boat. I am just thankful that you were able to pour out your heart. I have yet to be able to do that. So I hope the Lord gave you some release and comfort in doing so. I read something yesterday that stirred my heart and was encouraging. I wish I could say the Lord told me to share it with you, but I don't know. I just pray and hope He will speak to you in some small way through it. This is from a devotional called "Come Away My Beloved" by Frances J. Roberts. You are loved, and I will be praying for you, dear friend and sister in Christ.

    The Last Great Outpouring

    "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End," says the Lord, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty." - Revelation 1:8

    Behold, you stand on the threshold of a new day. For I have truly great things in store for you. Yes, you have not power to conceive what I am about to do. For I will bring to pass a new thing. You will rejoice exceedingly. You have heard of the showers, but I say to you: I will send a mighty downpour. Many have cried out to Me from hungry hearts and have received of My fullness and seen My glory; but I say to you: In the day of the great deluge which is coming, many will come to know the reality of My power who have until now not even dreamed of such a thing.

    Many who are scoffers and many who are honest doubters will find themselves swept away on the swelling tide of the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. For this is the time of the last great outpouring. This is the day of preparation for the coming of the Lord. Many shall rejoice together in the Spirit's work who are now at sword's point over doctrinal disputes and barriers of tradition.

    But let your heart be encouraged; for a new day is dawning: a day of repentance and a day of gathering for My people. For they shall not continue to be barricaded and isolated behind walls of prejudice. I am the Lord, ad I will be worshiped in spirit and in truth, and not in the bigotry of sectarianism and narrowness of denominationalism. The world is waiting for a robust Church to minister to its needs; and how can an ailing, dismembered Body bring healing to a sick and dying world?

    Surely I will pour out My Spirit, and by prophecies, by signs and wonders, by many different types of miracles, and by healings, I will reaffirm the veracity of My Word and bring the message of the Gospel of Redemption to many who would otherwise never give heed. I am the Alpha and the Omega. Stand firm in Me. Never waver.

    Be faithful regardless of apparent failures and discouragements; for My word shall surely be fulfilled, and your eyes shall see revival in proportions such as never before witnessed in the history of the human race.

    Keep your eye on the end of the course. Victory is secured already. Do not let the hurdles cause you consternation. Stay in the running. Truly, I am at your side. According to each day shall your strength be; and the race is not won by the swift, but the obedient shall receive the prize.

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